May 11th, 2016
Our sweet little babe Cade Andrew was born just a few days ago, Friday May 6th. He was 8 days early, thank goodness, because he was 9 pounds 6 ounces and 21 1/2 inches long. I can't even imagine how big he would have been if I had carried him full-term!
On Thursday I was looking at the weather and Friday was supposed to be cold and rainy and I told Austin that would be my perfect day to have a baby. As though I had willed it to happen, at 12:30 Friday morning I was trying to fall asleep and having bad cramps. Then a huge gush of fluid and I was horrified that I had peed my pants! It took me an hour to accept the fact that my water had broken. I kept cramping and gushing fluid. Finally at about 3 AM I woke up Austin and then called the midwife. She said try to sleep and call if anything really started.
I was so worried because my water had never broken early in labor, it always stayed intact until right before pushing. But I went to bed and slept for a couple of hours. Then all morning I waited and waited for anything to happen. My contractions were totally sporadic and not strong at all. I was cleaning and vacuuming and trying like a crazy woman to get things started. We even went to Cabela's with the kids to walk around (what were we thinking?!) I'd have a couple of really strong contractions and then nothing for an hour. Finally we had Austin's parents come pick up the kids. I had to be in active labor within 24 hours or I'd have to be induced. So we figured we should get the kids taken care of because no matter what we were having a baby! Even if it was all feeling VERY anti-climatic.
The midwife said that if I wanted to I could take 2 ounces of castor oil. I really didn't want to end up going to the hospital so I mixed some into a smoothie and forced myself to drink it. It was 3:15 and by 3:45 my contractions were steady and 7 minutes apart. Austin had gone to the post office to drop off an eBay package for me because someone wanted something shipped overnight. Which was crazy! I was breathing through contractions while printing a label and packing up a dress. Life is weird.
After about 15 minutes my contractions were twice as strong and every 5 minutes so we packed up and headed out. We got to the birth center at about 5 pm because traffic was so bad. The car ride is always the most stressful! When we were getting out of the car I said, "Hang on, I'm gonna have this contraction out here." But then there was a HUGE boom of thunder and I was like "Nevermind! Let's get inside!" The midwife checked and I was 4 cm and mostly effaced, so we settled in to finally have a baby.
Austin was so sweet and brought in my crockpot with washcloths and oils and all my comfort stuff. He knew how worried I was about having the support I needed and did all the things I had asked for. I tried laboring in the water because that's where I spent my other two labors almost entirely. But the castor oil was making me so sick I couldn't just be still and relax. And laboring with my water broken was horrible. The contractions were so sharp and concentrated in my hips and thighs. I just could not get comfortable. I started to feel like I was nearing transition because I was getting really dazed and exhausted and feeling like I might die if this went on much longer. But we hadn't been there for long at all and I was feeling worried that maybe I was just wussing out too soon.
In the car I had asked Austin when he thought the baby would be born by and he said 7:45. So my whole labor I really believed him for some reason! I kept looking at the clock and thinking, "Just one more hour, just 45 more minutes." So at like 7:10 the midwife said my cervix was still posterior, just like with Mason, and I wasn't fully dilating because of the pressure from baby's head. It was like a horrible flashback to Mason's birth and I kind of started to panic. But I was so determined to get the baby out and have it be over that I told her to just do whatever we needed to do to solve the problem.
I don't even really know how far I was dilated but I could tell that I was starting to go through transition. She had me push as hard as I possibly could while she held my cervix again. The pain was beyond anything I experienced with the first two births. The pain and exhaustion were so excruciating that my mind kind of left, like it tends to do in transition. I was in that outer body place for those last few minutes. I felt drained with the first two. But this time it was like for survival. It was that complete surrender that they always talk about in birth books. I knew so clearly that there was only one way to end the pain and that was to walk straight into it. The next coherent thought I had was realizing that she was having me reach down and catch him. And I remember thinking, "He's here already?!" I looked at the clock and it was 7:46. Somehow dads know these things.
As I held him up to me it was like I fell back into reality.
I was suddenly flooded with that acute awareness of all my senses. To really come to that understanding of what we had just accomplished. To look around and be aware of how loud and messy and crazy and chaotic the last couple of hours had been, but that it all culminated in this perfect moment of total peace and calm. That's what feels like the purpose of birth. To experience something that makes you feel so alive. To feel so human but so spiritual. To embrace feeling weak and tired but incredibly powerful at the same time. All of those seemingly contradictory things that converge in one soul changing event.
And the love. Oh to feel that kind of love. That all consuming and heartbreaking love. Mingled with the relief and joy that the birth was over, that the pregnancy was over. It was almost overwhelming. And Cade was so beautiful with dark hair and a little puckered up mouth. I said, "He's so tiny!" And the midwife said, "No, no. That is not a tiny baby!" I at least felt justified that he was so big and that's what made my pregnancy so difficult!
This birth felt so drastically different from the other two. My midwife told me on the phone earlier in the day, "This baby is just writing a different story for you." It's amazing that I've done it three times now and still feel like I have no idea how to do it or what to expect.
And how beautiful that it's not something we can plan for. That contradicts everything about my personality and that's why I need the unexpected things like this. No matter how I picture it in my head and try to prepare, it can go completely differently and still be just as wonderful.
And I'd do it every day to have that healthy, lovely baby in my arms.
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