In the Beginning

Some changes in life happen so gradually you hardly realize it until the transformation is complete. Like turning 30 and looking back to when you were 20 and realizing you'd barely recognize that person anymore.
Or like when you put on your favorite jeans and suddenly they're too tight and you can't really blame just one specific cookie or one extra slice of pizza. 
Or the other day when I looked at my almost 5 year old and realized he's basically a grown up all of a sudden.
Most of the time, changes in our life sneak up on us. One day at a time. One small decision at a time. Until we choose to reflect and then suddenly see that somehow things are different. And that can be good different or bad different or just plain different.

The change that I realized had crept up on us a year ago was a not so great kind of different. And while it was gradual, I can pinpoint the exact moment that I finally opened my eyes to take in the full extent of the view I was now accustomed to.

One night in late March of 2015, when my husband was out of town, I lay in bed for hours just tossing and turning. I'm a paranoid maniac when my husband is gone anyway, but I knew this lack of sleep was different. I wasn't just hearing pretend, creepy noises that just had to be murderers. I couldn't stop thinking about everything in our life.

My mind was going a million miles a minute about all the crazy things: money, debt, schooling, futures, retirement, how we were raising our kids, our everyday life routine, etc etc etc and on and on. You know that feeling, right?

And of all the things I was troubling over, it was these three questions that came to my mind:

Are my children happy?
Is my husband happy?
Am I happy?

And as I answered each question in my mind, I had to say no. Not for any real reason. We were content. We were "fine". We were doing really great by a lot of standards

Yet in a moment of total and raw honesty with myself, I answered no. And then of course burst into tears. And then of course talked myself out of feeling that way.

I'm not sure what brought on my moment of transcendence that night, but I can safely say that from that moment forward I have not been the same. I started on a quest to find out why I felt that the very distinct answer was that NO, we were not happy. And even more importantly, what did I need to do to be able to answer YES and really mean it?